Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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