i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
