Umm I'm too high to move.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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