I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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