You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Randomize
