Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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