Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
