I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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