I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
