My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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