hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
