Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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