Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
