so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Welp...herpes.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
