Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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