i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
