farters have to be the big spoon...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
