so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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