FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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