he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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