Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
This baby is an asshole
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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