we're chasing vodka with high fives
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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