Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
