I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dick very happy bro
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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