In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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