Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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