remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
