Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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