I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
