I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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