They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
