I cannot find my penis.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
