i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
