the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
