I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
