Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
