Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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