I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
