mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
