Someone shit on the floor
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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