I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
