I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
