I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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