Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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