I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
