I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
