i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
