R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
