So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
