you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
